About

My Path to Becoming Myself

 

You may be wondering how I found myself on the path of becoming a sex love and relationship coach. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and there were a handful of events that led me to now. See, I was sexually abused as a child. I don’t remember very many details of the actual abuse. But, it turned my whole family’s life upside down, and all the relationship dynamics with each other were permanently changed. Even though I don’t remember much of the incidents, I know it affected my relationship with myself and with others. I got married to the first real dating relationship I ever had, and was in that unhealthy relationship for 8 years (5 of them being married). For so long, I thought there was something wrong with me because of my past child sexual abuse. Even though our marriage and relationship was unhealthy, I would tell myself over and over again that I would never leave, never divorce.

But the universe pointed me down a different path. 

 

I ended up getting severely sick for about a month, and was in the hospital for almost a week, with very few memories of that time. When the doctors finally figured out what was wrong, and I felt better, I realized a whole month had passed! I missed my 5th wedding anniversary, and my 4 year old daughter looked so much bigger than the last time I looked at her. You realize how precious time is when it is taken away from you. I finally made the decision not to waste any more of my life in that relationship.

 

During the separation and divorce process, I started attending a women's support group and learned about healthy and unhealthy relationships, and had also started attending a sexual abuse survivor group. I started learning more about myself, and could feel my true nature and power shining through the cracks of all the abuse. I had put my marriage and my daughter first for so long, that I lost sight of who I was growing up, who I wanted to be as an adult woman. I felt the support and encouragement from the staff and other women in the support groups, and decided to go back to college. I originally thought I wanted to work with male sex offenders; to understand their thinking, teach them how to correct their thinking, and to help them to not reoffend. I wanted to help prevent what had happened to me when I was little. I still think that work is important for sex offenders to receive.

But the universe pointed me down a different path. 

 

I had to decide which side of the fence I would be playing on. As much as I believe that reform needs to happen, I was more passionate about helping women like myself.  So, I got a job working with victims and survivors of sexual assault. One part of my job was doing prevention education in the schools, teaching kids about safe and unsafe touches, what sexual abuse is, what healthy and unhealthy dating relationships are, and so much more. I found passion in this work because I only remember getting one presentation when I was in kindergarten on safe and unsafe touches-one! That might be more than some people got. But that one presentation wasn't enough to help me tell an adult about the sexual abuse that was happening to me.

 

Now, I was proud to be teaching these kids year after year, giving them messages that they could build on as they moved up in grade levels. I also loved teaching the teenagers about healthy relationships and consent, because I never got that in high school. I started dating my first husband when I was 17, and the relationship quickly became unhealthy. I stayed in that relationship until I was 25, even though I tried to leave 3 times before that. Through my job, I got to have conversations with those teens about things I wish I could have talked to someone about when I was 17. 

 

The other part of my job was helping women who were sexually assaulted or in domestic violence relationships get to safety. They were in crisis mode and needed support and guidance to help navigate out of a dangerous situation. They too needed to learn what a healthy and unhealthy relationship looked like. They also yearned for love and encouragement to find themselves again. Each time when I tried to leave my husband, the only person I had for support was my sister. It wasn’t until the 4th time leaving that I went to that support group and started to get my inner strength back. I thank my sister from the bottom of my heart for all those times she was there for me and helped me. But, I also truly believe that women heal in community. In my job, I loved running the women’s support group because I could relate to where those women were, and I could see the potential in how far they could go.

 

We talked about topics like power and control in relationships, all the different kinds of abuse, setting boundaries for yourself, healthy communication, empowering yourself, self-care, and so much more. I was honored to teach them, and to be part of witnessing their transformation and healing. All of these parts of my job that I got to do for those women and kids were things that I didn't get, that I needed. I found a way to give what I had needed all along to others in need. 

 

After a few years of being at my job, giving my all to the women and children who needed help and guidance, I began to heal into my next level. I met my now husband, my forever, and we have such a strong, respectable love for each other. If I wouldn't have spent those few years devoted to my job, letting those messages I taught to other teenagers and women sink deeper and deeper into myself, I don't think we would have the same kind of love we have today. Then when covid hit, and we all began working remotely from home, I was able to take some time to think about what I want my life to look like moving forward. Something deep inside me was telling me I needed to once again learn something more to continue my own growing and healing journey, and to help others in a new way.

So, the universe pointed me down a different path. 

 

After 5 years at my job, I bravely quit and enrolled full time into the year long VITA coaching certification program. By joining the VITA program, I am continuing to heal parts of me that traditional talk therapy never touched. I feel I have come full circle and am finally able to heal those parts of me that were wounded from child sexual abuse. I now know that there isn’t anything wrong with me sexually. I now know our sexuality affects so many areas of our life and goes so deeper than what mainstream media shows and teaches us. I am learning to find power within my own sensuality and intimacy. I am continuing to evolve into the strong, passionate woman I was always meant to be! And now I want to teach what I have learned to other women who still need and want that for themselves, who have been searching for and are ready for a way to uplevel their own healing journey. 

 

I was talking with my husband the other day, and he said a word that perfectly defines me. He said I was an expert transitionist. A transitionista! Of course there are many meanings and definitions of this word, but here are a few that resonate with me. “The process or period of changing from one state or condition to another.” “Someone skilled at managing or coping with transition, in some or any field.” “Someone who sets their sights on a deep and wide transformation; a person who seeks out and questions the unconscious, unexamined assumptions around them.”

 

I was thinking about our discussion, and the meanings of that word, and wrote down all of the major shifts, transitions, and titles I have been through in my life. Single to girlfriend; girlfriend to wife; wife to mother; stay at home mom to divorced mom; divorced to adult college student; college student to empowered career woman; victim to survivor; survivor to remarried thriver; working woman to business entrepreneur; sexually shut down to sensually flourishing; burnt out to self-loving and self-care; disconnected from the world to expanding my connection to spirituality.

 

There is so much wisdom in all of the lessons I have learned going through each of these phases in my life. Sometimes I have felt stuck, feeling like that title or identity was consuming all of me. Other times I could feel the determination to move from one phase to another, and found help along the way. And I also know there are so many more life transitions that I will move through in the future. 

There is the saying "you grow through what you go through" and I want to continue growing as I go, but I also want to give back. I believe I am a lifelong learner and my passion is growing as I go and teaching those lessons to others. Women don't need someone else to be perfect in order to help them. We just want someone who will reach their hand out to us and help us walk the same path that they had walked once before, guiding us along the way. That is my purpose in life, this is why I do the work that I do.

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The universe has pointed me down a different path!

I now have my own coaching business called Becoming YourSelf Coaching. And I would be honored if you joined me on the Journey to Becoming Yourself-from just surviving life to thriving alive!